A Clash of Cultures

Warning:  This blog post contains coarse language.  Reader discretion is advised.

Ever since I first had it as a boy, I have loved Chinese food - that is, once I learned that chicken chow mein wasn't really Chinese, and tasted more authentic Chinese food in a restaurant.  As I matured, I learned to love even the more exotic (to a Western palate, anyway) elements of Chinese foods, and learned that saying "Chinese food" is a little akin to saying "European food," because regional Chinese cuisines are as different from one another as Spanish cooking is from German food. 

I've never been shy about trying out unusual items on Chinese menus.  I love going for dim sum, and the opportunity it provides to sample some of the exotic fare without having to commit to a whole plateful of it.  So I've tried chicken's feet (tasty), duck's feet (nasty), tripe (chewy), beef tendons (odd texture), and cuttlefish (yummy if a bit rubbery), among others.  It's been said that if it moves, the Chinese will eat it.

In fact, there have been persistent rumors about Chinese restaurants in North America surreptitiously serving up animals we keep as pets to unsuspecting diners as food.  Although this rumor has been largely debunked, people still believe that Chinese restaurants serve cat.  And that leads me to today's story.

Unlike most of my stories, I can put the exact date on this one.  It was October 16, 1979.  That was the fall that my beloved Baltimore Orioles were in the World Series against the Pittsburgh Pirates.  I had managed to get two tickets to Game 6, and had gone to the game with my best friend from high school, Fleisch.  (Fleisch's real name is Suzanne, but we always called her by a shortened version of her last name.)  Sadly, the Orioles lost, 4-0.  Now, those of us who remember Memorial Stadium in Baltimore remember that the least attractive aspect of that ballpark was the parking.  There weren't enough parking spots for a regular-season game, and finding parking for the World Series was next to impossible.  Fleisch and I had eventually found parking some distance away, and we were walking back to our car.

As we walked back, we passed a small Chinese carry-out shop.  I don't think you could even call it a restaurant, technically, as there were no tables, and not even a chair to sit while your food was being prepared.  But we decided we were hungry, and  went into the shop.  We looked at the menu on the wall, made our selection, ordered, and began waiting for our food.

I can no longer remember what we had to eat.  But I can tell you what the two young African-American women who had ordered before us and were waiting for their food had ordered.  That is because we overheard their conversation.  And it went something like this (and the conversation took place in full ebonics, which somehow made the whole thing funnier, and which I'll attempt to reproduce here):

"I ordered the shrimp.  What you order?"

"I ordered the pork."

"Girl, what wrong wit' you?  What you doin' orderin' pork in a Chinese restaurant?  You ain't never seen no CAT runnin' 'round in back of no Chinese restaurant!  You don't order no pork in a Chinese restaurant!  You order pork in a Chinese restaurant, you ain't know what you get!  That's why I ordered the shrimp.  You cain't fool* wit' no shrimp!"

* "Fool" is not the word she actually used.  She used a word which begins with the same letter, but which is considerably more vulgar, and would offend many of my readers.

It was all Fleisch and I could do to not break out into guffaws.  But we did manage to wait until they had left to laugh out loud.  And we've carried that incident with us ever since.  Even today, when she and I go out for Chinese food, we'll look at each other and say, "Let's order the shrimp!"


I've never been particularly good at creating Chinese food myself.  However, a few years ago, there was a Chinese restaurant in the food court near where I worked that made a dish called "Noodles with Spicy Meat Sauce" which I really liked.  I asked what kind of meat was used in it, and they told me pork.  It also had lots of seasonings and a peanut-based sauce.  I thought that I could probably recreate that one, so I bought some ground pork, and it turned out surprisingly well.  As a matter of fact, I think it turned out better than the original.  Here's my recipe for it:


Chinese Noodles with Spicy Meat Sauce


1 lb. ground cat pork
3 T. vegetable oil
4 or 5 scallions (green onions), chopped
2 T. freshly grated (or finely chopped) ginger
5 or 6 small chilis, finely chopped (depends on how hot you like it, and how hot the chilis are. You could also use a jalopeno, or dried red pepper flakes, to taste.)
3 large cloves garlic, finely minced
1/2 cup unsalted peanuts
1 cup smooth peanut butter
1 tsp. salt
1 lb. lo mein noodles (You can get these in a Chinese market. You could also just use spaghetti, if you can't find the Chinese noodles.)

Saute scallions, ginger, and chilis in the oil until soft. Add minced garlic, and saute until golden. Add ground cat pork, sprinkle on the salt, and saute until the meat has lost all its red color. Then add the peanuts and peanut butter.

Serve over lo mein noodles. You may need to add some of the water from the noodles to get the proper consistency for the sauce.